Do you know who runs the country? I do. But the problem with being an evil genius mastermind behind the scenes is that I never get any credit
Dear Dr Mander
Do you know who runs the country? I do. That's right, not Cameron or Clegg, not the Queen or MI6. Me, the chancellor. They used to say I was a lightweight, but not any more. I'm the one with the money, and that means I hold all the cards. And I've played them beautifully. I've persuaded millions of people that we have to abandon the welfare state and butcher public services to avoid being sucked into a deficit black hole. Woooo, scary, huh? Fools!
The real plan is to hack away at everything Labour built, clawing back the money that Gordon Brown used to buy votes. I shift blame on to poor people (they never vote Conservative anyway) by calling them scroungers. I keep a low profile, using a bunch of wussy minions to take the heat. Have you seen how often Danny Alexander gets beaten up on TV? I'll claw back some money, build a war chest, ditch the Libs, dole out some tax cuts and walk into a second term with a Tory majority.
Dave can carry on as PM, he's good front of house. But everyone will know that I'm the Man. Except they won't. That's the problem with being an evil genius mastermind behind the scenes. I never get any credit.
G Osborne
Dear Mr Osborne
I can see why you feel the need for recognition. Your political acumen was clearly underestimated in opposition. You might even feel smug (something tells me it is a sensation with which you are acquainted). But there is a danger of self-satisfaction turning to complacency and, ultimately, hubris. The more your political machinations pay off, the more you will think yourself invincible and take ever greater risks.
Eventually your arrogance might lead to some self-destructive �ber-Tory audacity ? abolishing higher rate income tax or cancelling free school meals or something. Or perhaps your nemesis will arrive even sooner. VAT goes up in January, inflation is over target, consumer confidence is down and the cuts haven't bitten yet. You won't be able to amass a budget war chest if growth doesn't pick up and unemployment stays high. And if your economic gambles fail, everyone will know who to blame, so enjoy the low profile while you've got it.
Dear Dr Mander
I am a trader in the City, wealthy by virtue of persistent endeavour and minded to dismiss all festivity as humbug. But on Christmas Eve I was visited by three spirits of the season past, present and yet-to-be. I was reminded of the kind heart I once possessed and alerted to the ill consequences of my hardened manner. I resolved to soften it forthwith and on Christmas Day bestowed great charity on a clerk in my employment. But, the thing is, I'm due a fat bonus in the new year and quite fancy a new carriage. And maybe a winter break in the colonies. Is there a way to redeem my soul without giving all my money away?
E Scrooge
Dear Mr Scrooge
It was once considered easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. But the criteria have recently been relaxed. Instead of sustained commitment to collective solidarity we now have the "Big Society", which means that by giving Tiny Tim a bit of turkey at Christmas you have cleansed your conscience and are free to go back to business as usual.
Dear Dr Mander
I was recently driving my global media empire around Europe when I heard a muffled thud followed by a squelch. I pulled over and had a look, but all I could see was a sort of pale yellow stain on the bumper. Any ideas what happened?
R Murdoch
Dear Mr Murdoch
That was a Lib Dem cabinet minister declaring war on you. Don't worry, it comes off pretty easily and rarely leaves a mark.
Dr Gerry Mander shares his consulting room with Rafael Behr
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/dec/26/gerry-mander-on-the-couch
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