A year in politics, starring Cameron, Cleggster, Milidee and the gang
January to April
Geoff Hoon/Patricia Hewitt: Gordon is finished. The Labour party needs politicians of our charisma to mount a coup against him.
The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . .
Hewitt: I take it that's a no, then . . .
Hoon: Looks like I'm going to have to try my luck selling access to politicians after the election.
Brown: You little shit, Rawnsley. How dare you accuse me of bullying? I'll rip your poncey southern head off.
Rawnsley: Can I speak to the National Bullying Helpline, please?
National Bullying Helpline: I'll have to put you on hold. We've got the entire cabinet and civil service on the line.
The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . .
Brown: Even if Labour loses the election, I intend to remain leader for the next 1,000-year reich . . .
Cameron: I'm having another baby . . . That should be worth a few votes!
The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . .
Alastair Darling: Frankly, I'm not too sure why I'm even bothering to make this pre-election budget speech. I'm doomed, the party is doomed and the whole country is doomed. But what the hell? Ten per cent on cider might help.
Blair: Hi guys! I'm back to try to bugger up Gordon's campaign for good . . . I mean, show my support.
Labour MPs: Clear your desks . . .
Milidum: Good news bro! We're about to lose the election and I'm going to be leader afterwards.
Milidee: I wouldn't count on it.
Brown: Your majesty. There will be a general election on 6 May.
The Queen: I know, you fool. I read it in the Daily Mail last year.
The election campaign
Cameron: We will end youth unemployment by making everyone under the age of 25 wear lederhosen and sing Tomorrow Belongs to Me.
Brown: We have a manifesto for the future ? 2015 to be precise, as that's the earliest we are likely to be elected.
Cameron: Our idea is the Big Society. We don't know what we're doing, so you might as well do it yourself.
Clegg: There's no real need for anyone to read our manifesto . . .
Alastair Stewart: Welcome to the first televised election debate.
Cameron: I'm sweating heavily and have a black man in Plymouth.
Brown: I've frightened millions of viewers by smiling.
Cameron/Brown: We agree with Nick.
The Media: Nick is the Messiah!
Clegg: I'm the Messiah! The Messiah!
Cameron: I'm nice but dim and I've still got a black man in Plymouth.
Brown: I'm auditioning for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and I've personally deported 900,000 illegal immigrants.
Clegg: I win again.
Rightwing media: Oh shit. Clegg could win. Clegg is a paedophile, Nazi, gay, suicide bomber, benefit cheat.
Brown: I didn't call that stupid old bat Duffy a bigot. I called her big-hearted.
Cameron: I'm ignoring Nick, but I will kill all illegal immigrants.
Brown: I'm ignoring Nick, but I will kill everyone on the dole.
Clegg: Hello! I'm going to build a wind turbine somewhere.
News broadcast: The result is a hung parliament . . .
Brown: I'm not going anywhere.
Cameron: Oh fuck! We'll have to deal with the sanctimonious Clegg.
Osborne: Yeah, but he'll be a useful fall guy when it all goes tits-up.
Cameron: I say, Cleggster. Would you like to be my son?
Clegg: I thought you'd never ask.
Cable: What about our principles?
Clegg: Who cares about principles when you're thrillingly in love?
Brown: I've handcuffed myself to the radiators in No 10. I'm never leaving.Cameron: Wrong again!
May to December
Osborne: So what do we do now?
Cameron: We roll up our sleeves.
Osborne: And then?
Cameron: We roll them up a bit higher.
Clegg: I do love my Daddy.
Cable: Shouldn't we be planning an economic policy?
Osborne: Less of the we, Vincey baby. I'm in charge. You make the coffee.
Clegg: I thought that was my job?
Cameron: And so it is Cleggster! And very well you do it too. Now run along. Ozzy and I have very important grown-ups' work to do. We're going to be a really progressive government . . .
Osborne: Yeah! We're going to make the rich progressively richer and the poor progressively poorer by making a milion public-sector workers unemployed.
Milidum: The Labour party has got to stop all this in-fighting . . .
Milidee: Oh no it hasn't . . .
Balls: Oh yes it has . . .
Cameron: Governing is a piece of piss when there's no opposition. Hold the fort, Cleggster, while I meet Obama.
Clegg: Gosh Daddy! Soon you'll know two black men. But what shall I do while you're away?
Cameron: Oh, you know. The usual: clean the bath, do the shopping . . .
Osborne: And carry on getting shit from everyone for all the things we are doing to mess the country up!
Cameron: Er . . . quite. But good news! Unto us is born a daughter!
Milidum: I'm going to be leader . . .
Milidee: I don't think so . . .
Milidum: Wah! You've stolen my birthright.
Milidee: Stop sulking and come and be my batman . . .
Milidum: No! Shan't!
Osborne: That was a pretty progressive budgie . . .
Cable: Budget . . .
Osborne: Whatever. I delivered . . .
Everyone: Actually, I think you'll find it was regressive . . .
Osborne: It so wasn't. I even flew back from holiday with the chavs on easyJet to prove how progressive I am.
Cameron: Chill, Ozzy. No one is going to touch your �4m offshore trust fund. Ah, there you are, William . . . can you tell me why you shared a room with your friend?
Hague: Because he has a GSOH and doesn't smoke.
Cameron: Just get him to resign and no one will think you are gay, Big Boy
Hague: Don't call me Big Boy!
Clegg: I'm your Big Boy, Daddy! But everyone hates me and bullies me.
Cameron: There, there, Cleggster. You're doing an excellent job . . .
Clegg: What is it?
Cameron: Saving me from copping it for screwing up the country.
Clegg: Oh Daddy, I love this Big Society thingy, but Vince says all the public-sector workers we're putting out of work are Lib Dem voters . . .
Cameron: Really? I'd never thought about it . . .
Osborne: Much . . .
Clegg: There's no sign of recovery in the private sector either. You will look harder for private-sector jobs, won't you?
Cameron: Of course. There. I've looked again. There aren't any.
Osborne: Wow! I've just found �7bn in my back pocket to bail out the Irish!
Everyone: But I thought we weren't going to rescue the banks again.
Milidee: I've a feeling that's the kind of point I should be making.
Cameron: It is. Thankfully, you're just a bit crap, though. Now Cleggster, how are we getting on with tuition fees?
Clegg: I'll walk through fire for you, Daddy. You will too, won't you Vince?
Cable: My name is Vince Cable. I used to be a serious politician.
Cameron: That's the spirit. Why don't you announce something pointless like how you're going to be really, really tough on the banks?
Cable: I'd rather chat to a couple of Telegraph hotties about how I hate Murdoch even more than the coalition.
Cameron: What a stupid Hunt.
Clegg: Please let Vincey stay, Daddy.
Cameron: Of course you can keep your dummy. We'd all be finished without it.
Osborne: Whoops! Unemployment seems to be rocketing . . .
Cameron: I've got a really good feeling about 2011.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/dec/30/westminster-digested-politics
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